”What do you want?”

Felt so tired this weekend. 

I watched a couple of dvds including Safe Haven. 

Afterwards I wanted to go out and do something, but I don’t know what and I felt so tired. 

I have been thinking about what it is I want. Which is hard to pin down in specifics, I guess because I have not got experience. I do not want to be rushed. 

I want to be able to grow into being me. 

I want to be me, and cared for and able to explore who I am safely, without having things rushed or forced onto me. 

One thing I think is that I am interested / curious in spanking, but I don’t feel ready for sex. 

 

I was thinking a bit yesterday about whether this is selfish. If I got into a relationship with someone I would not be ready for things that they would probably want to do. 

Some day I want a family and so forth, and in the future I want to be able to be ready for sex, but I don’t feel ready for sex currently. In that respect i suppose I would want to take small steps if I was with someone slowly. 

 

I am a bit worried that I will be with someone and they will want to rush me into everything at once or something or be dissapointed in me. 

 

I am not sure what is going to happen or what I am going to do. 

 

What do I want?

 

I guess for now to feel cared for or loved. To be able to progress me. 

Perhaps to be hugged or spanked, but by someone who cares about me. 

To be safe. 

just a thought

feeling calm. i love who i am.

To be guided

Today was quite difficult, at work there was some stress directed my way. 

I feel self conscious and alone.

I wish there was someone I could return to with such issues to care for me. 

 

I reflected a little on how with no one to look out for me I have been in the past. As I have recently thought of tiffany scarletts blog I compared it a little with her situation. Within her blog she had a situation whereby she lived with someone whom looked out for her and guided her with spankings. During this time she was mainly a student and this guiding seemed to cover that. 

When I started notably becoming interested in spanking I was a student however I was and am alone, there was no one to put it in its place, guide it, or motivate me to stay on course with things. 

Perhaps I could have done better at things if I had someone else guiding them. Or even to just tell me it was okay. 

Although I have managed to get by on my own, I guess there is that something missing. 

 

faded momentum

i feel i am perhaps calming down again for now.

maybe calm is not the best word since nothing has occurred still which feels dissatisfactory.

 

but momentum to seek it this very instant has gone and i am more able to tiredly wait.

 

i think it is dangerous to need it fiercly as there is then the change i could end up in an un safe environment to try get what i seek and be alhurt.

and if i got hurt who would understand why?

no one i know would understand whh i wanted in the first place.

 

i dont want to be in danger. but this thing is risky. finding someones hands to be in.

 

Sleepless night

I woke up at about 2 in the morning, the wind was blowing really loudly outside my window and the cat hugged against my neck closely. 

I did not return to sleep though til about 4 at least because I could not sleep. I kept thinking and feeling confused. And then I ended up using the internet on my phone to try and find out if there is a way at all of contacting tiffany scarlett of disciplineher or her sir. 

I could not track them down though, the disciplineher blog is private and there is very little information to go on. 

Disciplineher by the way was a blog by a young woman whom lived with someone who spanked her. He cared for her and looked out for her. 

I feel like it would be great to talk to them, find out how they got into it, how it was obtained, what they now do. Or generally ask questions regarding spanking. 

It struck me that tiffany is now 22, same age as me, and yet she has had a sir looking after her and then gone on to have a boyfriend, and I have not done anything of the sort. Nothing at all. 

I have been though quite highly interested in spanking since about the age of 18 most notably, probably before then but not in a way I could point at. 

In fact thinking on it there is definitely some things I can think of from before that age that would indicate I was interested in that, but before 18ish I had no idea that adults could be spanked.

And one day I stumbled upon that fact while online in a forum that had nothing to do with spanking, and thus a huge curiosity was born in me to find out more.  

Early on I told a friend that I was starting to think about it and he told me to stop thinking about it, that it was weird and wrong. But it seemed impossible to step away from. 

I am yet to meet someone who can offer me what I need. 

I think that not just anyone can. Some people find the idea weird or wrong. And there is also more aspects to spanking than just the action of being spanked. There is the anticipation, the dynamic, the attention, the aftercare, the being wanted, the being looked out for, being known intimately, being allowed to show different emotions / release……….

Sometimes I wonder how long I can hide this side of me, or not use it. 

I am submissive. It is part of who I am I guess. There have been times where I have been very frustrated about there being no ”Sir” for me yet. There have been times where I have felt sad because I have felt not ”special” or loved or looked out for by anyone, there have been times whereby I have just plain wanted a spanking although that is quite embarrassing to admit to. 

I wish I did have a person I felt safe with to just be me, able to be embarrassed, cry, be naughty, childish, silly, sensible, intelligent, to be able to be in their hands. 

new introduction

hi.

 

i am amelia. i am typing this using my phone so i would firstly like to apologise for lack of capital letters or any other mishaps.

 

i have made this blog before i believe and now i would like to re start it. hopefully if anyone reads this they can offer guidance, advice or just listen.